Monthly Archives: August 2014

exhale

 

26 AUGUST 2014, 17:19

It was cold and dark, I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face.

I was scared, could feel the bile crawling up my throat and could feel moist dirt beneath my finger nails.

My head was throbbing. Think, think! How did you get here and where the hell are you?

 

Shit! I try to wiggle my body out of the space it’s in.

Out the corner of my eye i see a glint of sunlight and try crawling towards it.

 

Dirt rushes down into my eyes and mouth. I give a splutter and manage to shimmy my way out of the space iv fallen into.

The sun is low in the sky, it must be late afternoon.

I assess the damage iv done to myself. Dust myself off and take a look around.

Another sink hole. Must have fallen in it on the way home and hit my head hard, like really hard. It was barely lunch time when i came out here to listen to my ipod and do some sketching.

My ankle is swollen but i can manage the walk home at a half-lookwalk, half-limp.

 

I come out to this little “forest” whenever i can. The city gets a but much sometimes and i feel like more of a person when I’m away from it all.

I haven’t shared this place with anyone.

 

I close my eyes and again am surrounded by darkness. What the hell? Why is this happening?

I’m trapped. It looks like a layer of glass between the world and I.

I scream out for help, but people walk on merrily by, they don’t even see me here.

I kick and scream and punch at the glass. Nobody flinches. Not even a glance in my direction.

What do I have to do to get someone’s attention? I need help, can’t these people see that?

I feel so hopeless and helpless here. People living all around me while I’m trapped in this lonely place.

I use all my strength and might and the glass shatters.

 

I’m back in my forest, no glass in sight.

What the fuck is going on? Am I losing the plot? I fall down to my knees feeling hopeless, bury my head in my hands.

 

Slowly water trickles all around me. Fills my shoes.

Makes my jeans clings to my legs.

Rapidly it fills up from all sides.

I’m rooted to one spot, I cannot move!

I begin to panic. Short, shallow breaths. Rapid heart race.

How long can I hold my breath for?

Will anyone come to my rescue? Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.

The water pushes up against my chest making it harder to breath.

It starts lapping up against my neck, its coming faster, the rolling noise like thunder in my ears.

The tears pour down my face.

The water droplets form on my lips now, lashing out at me.

One last big breath before the waves crash over my head and I’m completely under water.

I look out and see other people under water too, but they aren’t trapped like I am.

They are swimming to the surface, gasping for breath.

I scream out and my lungs are filled with water.

 

I wake up on a isolated, well worn road. It’s the crack of dawn. Fog envelopes everything.

I look down at myself. I’m not wet. Did that even happen?

Its cold, lonely and colourless here. Even the trees have no life. No leaves on them.

A single crow shrieks in the distance.

Shattered glass at my feet. I crouch down, pick up a small sharp shard. I press it against the pulse in my arm.

I press hard. It breaks through the skin leaving a small trace of blood. The pain both terrible and welcome at the same time.

Finally, some rest. Away from this lonely path.

The craving for death, about to be fed. Finally, a way out, an escape. The end of this nightmare.

I can breath, I can swim to the top. I’m not trapped beneath glass or in a dark hole anymore.

Except, I haven’t done it. I wake up, the dull ache is still there.

 

Depression. The cold, hard truth. I finally reach out.

Tell someone, just one person, that I’m not ok. That I’m tired of pretending.