exhale

 

26 AUGUST 2014, 17:19

It was cold and dark, I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face.

I was scared, could feel the bile crawling up my throat and could feel moist dirt beneath my finger nails.

My head was throbbing. Think, think! How did you get here and where the hell are you?

 

Shit! I try to wiggle my body out of the space it’s in.

Out the corner of my eye i see a glint of sunlight and try crawling towards it.

 

Dirt rushes down into my eyes and mouth. I give a splutter and manage to shimmy my way out of the space iv fallen into.

The sun is low in the sky, it must be late afternoon.

I assess the damage iv done to myself. Dust myself off and take a look around.

Another sink hole. Must have fallen in it on the way home and hit my head hard, like really hard. It was barely lunch time when i came out here to listen to my ipod and do some sketching.

My ankle is swollen but i can manage the walk home at a half-lookwalk, half-limp.

 

I come out to this little “forest” whenever i can. The city gets a but much sometimes and i feel like more of a person when I’m away from it all.

I haven’t shared this place with anyone.

 

I close my eyes and again am surrounded by darkness. What the hell? Why is this happening?

I’m trapped. It looks like a layer of glass between the world and I.

I scream out for help, but people walk on merrily by, they don’t even see me here.

I kick and scream and punch at the glass. Nobody flinches. Not even a glance in my direction.

What do I have to do to get someone’s attention? I need help, can’t these people see that?

I feel so hopeless and helpless here. People living all around me while I’m trapped in this lonely place.

I use all my strength and might and the glass shatters.

 

I’m back in my forest, no glass in sight.

What the fuck is going on? Am I losing the plot? I fall down to my knees feeling hopeless, bury my head in my hands.

 

Slowly water trickles all around me. Fills my shoes.

Makes my jeans clings to my legs.

Rapidly it fills up from all sides.

I’m rooted to one spot, I cannot move!

I begin to panic. Short, shallow breaths. Rapid heart race.

How long can I hold my breath for?

Will anyone come to my rescue? Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.

The water pushes up against my chest making it harder to breath.

It starts lapping up against my neck, its coming faster, the rolling noise like thunder in my ears.

The tears pour down my face.

The water droplets form on my lips now, lashing out at me.

One last big breath before the waves crash over my head and I’m completely under water.

I look out and see other people under water too, but they aren’t trapped like I am.

They are swimming to the surface, gasping for breath.

I scream out and my lungs are filled with water.

 

I wake up on a isolated, well worn road. It’s the crack of dawn. Fog envelopes everything.

I look down at myself. I’m not wet. Did that even happen?

Its cold, lonely and colourless here. Even the trees have no life. No leaves on them.

A single crow shrieks in the distance.

Shattered glass at my feet. I crouch down, pick up a small sharp shard. I press it against the pulse in my arm.

I press hard. It breaks through the skin leaving a small trace of blood. The pain both terrible and welcome at the same time.

Finally, some rest. Away from this lonely path.

The craving for death, about to be fed. Finally, a way out, an escape. The end of this nightmare.

I can breath, I can swim to the top. I’m not trapped beneath glass or in a dark hole anymore.

Except, I haven’t done it. I wake up, the dull ache is still there.

 

Depression. The cold, hard truth. I finally reach out.

Tell someone, just one person, that I’m not ok. That I’m tired of pretending.

 

Inbetween realities

In limbo somewhere between my past and my future.
you could call it “The Now”, but its not.
Its in the grey murky edges of The Now.

I find myself unable to bare my soul, make a decision, set myself free.
Preferring to play with it, wait it out, see where it takes me.
Only yesterday I was in The Now
The Now all perfect, shiny and ripe with opportunity.

Now all I am is lost, confused.

Cannot be unseen

So this morning wasn’t a great one.

Get onto the highway, and all of a sudden traffic comes to a grinding halt. A 4 lane highway is merging into one. There is something strewn all across the highway, blowing in the wind. Its 6.20am, about 2 degrees outside and still dark. As we inch through all the cars, in the right hand lane is an overturned bakkie. The “something strewn” is fibreglass fragments across the road, this was once (probably only moments before) the back roof of the bakkie.

There are injured passengers sitting in the island, between the highway, looking into the distance, mourning the loss of the 5 or 6 bodies laying across the fast lane of the highway. I know they are dead. If they weren’t, people would be attending to their bodies already. I feel sick to my stomach. I try tear my eyes away from the scene before me, but its already locked into my vision and my mind.

Just this morning, these people kissed their wives/kids/mothers/fathers etc goodbye and went off to work. Those family members will be getting calls later on to tell them that these people will not be coming home, ever again.

I’m sad, I just want to go home, crawl under the covers and stay there for the day. I cannot unsee what I saw this morning.

 

Why Pretty Princess Mommy?

It started off as a little joke between my 4yr old son and I.

He asked me to call him black spiderman, and everytime i called him CJ, he shouted at me and told me he’s not CJ, hes black spiderman. I then turned around at dinner that night when he called me mommy, and told him, its not mommy, Its pretty princess mommy. And ever since then, when the little bugger wants something, its Puhleeeaaase Pretty princess mommy *grins*.

And then, when creating this blog, all the names were taken, and I was trying to think of a ton of nicknames, and Pretty Princess Mommy popped into my mind, and voila, after about 20 names that had already been taken, this here was the one it was going to be.

This is my 2nd blog ever. My first one was when I was going through a rough patch in my marriage and all through my divorce. Lets hope this ones a far happier blog!

xoxo

Me