Your perfect man

Have you ever sat down and created your perfect man on paper?

I heard about in this manifestation podcast I have been listening to for the past few months.
It resonated with me, because when manifesting things, you have to be clear on what you want. You cant just say I want a house, you need to envision it down to the smallest detail.
Will it have 3 bedrooms? An entertainment area? A swimming pool? What area will it be in? can you see yourself in it?

The same goes for your partner. The universe cant give you what you want if you yourself are not too sure about it!

Will he be funny? adventurous, a non smoker?

The last few weeks, I decided it was time for me to get out and meet people, get out of my comfort zone. So this long weekend I had 3 dates lined up. I knew the first one was someone I would like to see again, and had a voice telling me that the other 2 should be cancelled, but I went anyway, and my intuition was right.

The second date was a bust, and I got stuck with the bill…
The third breakfast date was nice, but no spark.

Me and date 1 have been chatting all weekend, and just in conversation he has ticked so many boxes! Its obviously still early days, but don’t settle.

Get clear on what you want & start manifesting babe!

hi from 2020!

Wow, the year of 2020 vision, seeing things for what they really are.

I once again forgot about my blog… no surprises there I’m sure.
I got a notification that someone liked an old post, and I was like ooooooh!

Well, this year has been full of ups and downs! A friend and I had our bags packed, tickets booked and 2 days off before we flew to Bali, when they announced the Big C, and lockdown looming. Sadly, we decided to cancel our holiday as we didn’t want to get stuck in a foreign country for who knows how long… (but in retrospect would being stuck on a beautiful island be so bad?)

We find ourselves in lockdown level 3, in South Africa with the most ridiculous rules.
Alcohol and Cigarettes are banned, we cant go visit family or friends and we need to be home by 10pm in the evenings.

BUT

We can go out to restaurants with family and friends, we can go to Casinos or the movies.
#NoneOfItMakesSense

Its not all bad though. Now that hiking trails have opened, I find myself doing tons more outdoorsy stuff, and Iv started some morning yoga and meditation routines to get me through this weird time we find ourselves in.

Hoping to update this fairly often as Im listenng to a podcast about maifestation and she mentions journaling alllll the time.

Till next time lovelies.

Ps – would love to read some blogs, please leave your links for me if your reading this.

x

Giggles and disapproval

Stumbled upon my old blog, and spent the morning reading old posts. I had some WTF moments, some laughs, deleted some things, had a bit of a trip down memory lane. The depression posts were hard to read, but a stark reminder of how different everything is now.

I am happy, have found a natural alternative, and have not been pushed to the point of not being able to get out of bed this year.

The end of last year was harder. The death of a childhood friend had me teetering over the edge. Since then, there have been many, many changes. Possibly a complete 180 for me.

Alot of introspection, meditation, self healing.

I’m not there yet, but I love who I am becoming. I have a whole new take on life. I have more patience, I don’t react as easily as I once did. I’m happier, despite people not being ok with that. This is my journey.

Wish they knew

This should be a happy time of year. Everyone is filled with delight and a promise of a better future, bettering themselves etc. So why am I sad?

The depression is slowly crawling in. I tell myself to stop it. People aren’t ignoring me or shutting me out. They are just so busy in their own lives, with their own families and their own plans. Maybe they think I’m out living a full and crazy life instead of sitting in at home by myself wondering how they have succeeded and I feel like iv gone back ten steps in life.

I guess depression is silent. They won’t know I need them unless I tell them, and when you are depressed the last thing you want to do is seek people out. You wanna shut them out. Pull the covers up over your head, lock the doors, put your phone off and shut out the world.

I’m trying not to stay here. The world is full of possibility for me too if I only just try.

Real life

Iv broken up with many boys in my life. I think I’m scared. Scared of being hurt again. Scared of letting anyone close enough. My relationships have been a pattern of 3 month relationships over the last 4 years. Every time I make up an excuse about why it won’t work, or what I dislike in them, or how they do this it that weirdly etc etc.

I went to a shrink once, trying to understand my behavior. His response? After 3 months you have to let your guard down, you start to get real and the mask starts to wear off.

I wonder what happened in my life that I’m so guarded? Even before my ex husband and I got together, I must have broken up with him a gazillion times. Is it because my folks got divorced and my dad couldn’t care about seeing us or paying maintenance? (We only talk once or twice a year over fb for bday wishes) Is it because my moms next boyfriend was a drug addict and there were constant fights in our home? I wish I could get down to the bottom of it.

The glint in his eye

**Warning – this is a bit of adult fiction I put together**

I look up and see him from across the room. I stare at you, lost in thought. It’s as if time slows down.

The scar just above your left eye is sexy as hell. Your olive tanned skin, your big sexy hands making the cappuccino you are drinking seems terribly small.

I imagine it’s me sitting there with you. Imagine you are laughing at my jokes, leaning over to brush a hair off my face and tuck it behind my ear. The warmth of your hand as it brushes off my cheek. Your hand comes down and lands on my leg, lifting my dress slightly so your hand rests just above my knee. I look at you, a naughty grin. You look at me, and break into a smile. I grab your wrist and pull you with me as I walk away from the table.

Around the side of the building. You push me up against the wall. Kiss Me fiercely, your one hand holding both my hands above my head, pinned to the wall, your other hand cupping my breast.

You spin me around and press me firmly against the wall. Pulling my dress up so you can reach up into my panties. You can already feel the warmth, the sticky moisture between cotton panties and your fingers.

You briskly pull my panties to the side. Your fingers caressing me as I moan for this. Your fingers moving back and forth and I’m short of breath. Standing here, exposed. Not knowing who could walk around the corner at any time. Making the experience risky, but so damn sexy!

You slide one finger in me, I bite my lip in order not to make a sound. The orgasm is soo close. A second finger, I throw my head back with suprise. I bite into my arm as I orgasm. Squirting down my legs. You lean in and kiss my neck.

I’m weak in the knees now, breathing hard and fast. I turn to look at you and you smile as you lick your fingers and lead me back to our table, as though nothing has happened.

I lost something

I lost something tonight

I think it was the flame I had for you

I realised I don’t even like you as a person

Your a liar, Your a cheat

I gained something tonight

I gained some self respect

I gained a fire in my heart

one that makes me work harder, push faster and live my dreams

the only validation I need, is within me.

panic

Rain patters softly on the window. The feeling of peace in the air. The rise and fall of chests in perfect rhythm.
The deepest of sleep. The quiet nostril pur, inhaling and exhaling. The eyelids moving, a sign of dreams occurring. The sound of the clock tick tocking down the hallway. A small snore from a room further down the passage.

A sudden crash. Shattered glass. We sit upright in bed and look at each other. Eyes wide and fearful. We hold our breath, keep deadly still, await any further sounds. The bedroom door comes flying open. My heart stops at the thought of intruders. My roommate comes skidding in, screaming, its just me, its just me. My boyfriend halfway up on the bed to defend us, and sits back down at the recognition of her voice. “I think someone broke the window” she says. We all stare at each other, thousands of thoughts whirring through our minds at this point. “Wait here” my boyfriend whispers, as he quietly sneaks down the passage to suss out the situation.

My roommate and I keep staring at each other, fearful of what’s about to happen next. Slowly lights start going on in the house, and my boyfriend walks back in, giggling. And explains to us that my recipe books had been knocked down by a gust of wind, knocking all cups propping them up, over onto the floor.

My roommate and I let out a sigh of relief, Hearts still pounding out of our chests. We walk out of the room and down the passage to find bits of coffee cups and handles scattered all over the floor.

Clean up operation at 4am.
Ps – this is a true story – It happened this morning…

Blur

It started with getting up too quickly.

That dizzy feeling. My body slowly and only slightly rocking back and forth. a slight tingling through my arms and legs. The light headedness. my skull feeling tiny pin pricks through each and every hair follicle.  Blurry eyesight slowly turns to the old black and grey T.V static, then  darkness shrouds my vision. and suddenly all sound is gone. Just darkness. How long does it last? Seconds? Minutes? Can other people see it?

My vision returns slowly, blackness around the edges, slowly fading out back to normal. first a long ringing in my ears, then sound slowly fades back in. The feeling in my arms and legs comes back. dizziness wears off, balance returns.

The black outs are getting more frequent, closer together. Losing time.
Where do I go when this happens? Why am I having black outs? My muscles ache, My eyes can barely stay open. So drained, so tired.

unravelling

For days you hear the birds sing, you watch the sun set and rise

you see colours within everything, glimmers of light where there where none

birds chirping, children laughing

the smell of new grass and sweet flowers.

now there’s nothing but grey skies, the smell of rain and dirt as it falls to the ground.

Morbid thoughts and actions,  tears in every situation.

Is this all there is? just a monotony of ups and downs?